Life

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and you know there are a lot of things you miss in life. I will be 40 years old next Sunday and that just doesn't seem right to me at all.
1. I miss not having children of my own. There are times that I am kind of glad we don't because I wouldn't want to feel I am not giving them all they deserve but there are other times I just think "you know we didn't have everything on a silver platter so why do I feel I have to give it to my children that way"
2. I have seen so many obits lately that says no survivors. This scares me it seems so cold and lonely. What will happen to me when that time comes and I don't have any. Who will even care?
3. I miss my husband being my husband. We seem to have grown so far apart the past few years and I have no clue how to get that back
4. I miss my friends. My true friends. Then I stop and think did I ever have any? If I did what made them my true friends?
Well I guess that is enough depressing things for tonight I am sure if I think about it I can add to this but I think I am going to go to bed instead.

Could it be a sign????

I have started my new job and have been at for about 2 months now. I love it. I have been sick for the past two days and had every intention of getting up going to church this morning, but that is kind of hard to do when you wake up at 12. So I went to Newburgh and got my nails done, went to eat at the Chinese place next door and I thought I regonized the people leaving as I was sitting there but there was a glare on their faces when I looked at them from the sun. Well, when I went outside I noticed something laying on the ground. Anybody that knows me knows I don't like picking up strange things off the ground because it is just well nicely GROSS. People leave some nasty things in "traps" for others to pick up. Anyway, I picked this paper up and found it was a check that had been dropped and I about fainted when I seen the church that I love but have not been attending (another story in itself) but wanting to (just need that extra kick in the door kind of thing) So I didnt have to think once I made a few phone calls to some numbers I keep in my phone because I feel in my heart that even though I am not there every day if I needed these people I could call them. I left messages and so forth and did get ahold of someone that I could leave it with so I took it to the families home. After leaving I had to stop and think was that a sign? Was I suppose to find that as an eye opener?

In a way I feel guilty to walk in church because no matter how much I am trying to forgive a certain person that tore my life apart in 06 I can't seem to do this and I read the Bible and I believe that forgiving is what God wants me to do but I feel like a failure because I just can't do it. I feel great in my faith in all other directions because God has brought so much to my family just this year after I believe I turned A LOT over to him but I just can't cut that one thing loose yet. John's family is attempting to be a family we have a long road but we didn't take a short cut to grow distant and the lord knows my husband can hold a grudge. I know he loves his family in his way but he has such a trust issue for some reason and feels he has to keep a brick wall up. I have found a job and so we can make all our bills and have a great chance of keeping our house as before there was no way we were just going deeper and deeper in debt on just one income. I was given a huge eye opener when I received that phone call to say I had cancer but I was given another huge double eye opener when I knew that the prayers were out there for me to recover and to find out 2 weeks later that even though they had to take my left ovary I was completely clean of cancer. We would never have overcome these examples and other things in our lives without God and I know this but I just can't get over this one thing. It is cutting at me badly. So that is my day in a nutshell how was yours?

I will SURVIVE!!!

Well, I think I can write this today and not cry. As most of you know I had to have my left ovary and tube taken out on April 30th. They left my right ovary and uterus because I am not ready to be on hormone treatments quite yet. St. Mary’s pathologist couldn’t figure out what they were dealing with so they sent the ovary off to the Mayo clinic. My doctor called we are dealing with granulosa cell tumor. It really ticks myself and family off because after the surgery the Doctor said everything looked great and she believed NO cancer to be called almost 2 weeks later and be told this. There is a great chance that they have all of it out now but we are going to do the precaution test to make sure and we are going to pray that they do.

As of right now we are not talking chemo or radiation. I have to go in for an endometrial biopsy of my uterus on the 19th. Should be all kinds of fun I will be awake for this beautiful procedure. I also will have to have blood work done every three months and knowing how much I like needles this should be a piece of cake. NOT but you know I have to do it so I will. They will take a catheter and take a piece of my uterus for biopsy and that will be the deciding point of if I have to have further surgery. I do know that if I have to have further surgery I will have to go to Indy for this. Am I scared I can sit her and type all day that I am not but I would be lying to you the only thing I have to say is that I will be strong. If anyone knows my husband you know he can be awkward at times and this is one of those times. He caught me crying yesterday and the first thing he said was you are not going to make it through this if you have a negative outlook so you need to figure out a way to be positive.

I was told that this cancer is caused by hyper estrogen, which is helped alone with stress. We all know I have had none of that the past 2 years. LOL. It also causes obesity and yep I have that. I have been saying for years that it can’t be my eating habits because even though I do crave sweets at certain times I really don’t eat that much. So anyway here we go. So I guess they are going to try and do something about it finally instead of always telling me it is what you eat. TOLD YOU SO!!! Is all I have to say about that! Gotta keep it light in my head and look at the good points otherwise my mother is going to drive me nuts. I had said I wasn’t going to get nervous about this because that big C word scares me enough without any help. John has always said that if you dwell on it you won’t make it through so that is what I am in the process of doing is not dwell on it. My mom unfortunately is not making that an easy task yesterday after I told her I think she called everyone except maybe the president of the United States and she properly tried him but he wouldn’t answer. I love my mom but she dwells on things TOOOOOOOOOOO much and forever plus takes everything to heart. Gotta love her but it doesn’t help me move forward. That poor woman called me every 15 minutes last night with questions, doctor referrals, you name it.

Anyway I am not sure what the survival rate is with this but what I am getting from reading is that it is very good. I can tell you what my survival rate is going to be and that is GREAT!!! I will not let this get me down, I will lose the weight (has to be done to make a success in this), I will succeed and be a SURVIVOR!

I go on the 19th of this month I believe she called it an endometrial biopsy (not sure of spelling). I really was in such shock yesterday I couldn’t even think of what to ask. So when I know more I will tell you more.

I do ask that you take a day stop accusing people of things that you are afraid of getting caught saying, doing, or so forth. I have been a butt of a lot of people’s excuses and I am personally sick of it and I will not withstand it anymore. If you tell me something and you don’t want me to tell it then I won’t BUT if you don’t tell me not to tell it then if it comes up in conversation so be it. But if you do tell me and I say something to someone else don’t be a coward and say you didn’t say anything. I am not going to take it anymore. You know who you are when I say this so take this as your warning because if anything else comes forth I will confront you personally.

I have too many illnesses that are related to stress and I am not going to live with the stress anymore and if it steps on your toes then I guess you better not lie on me because I don’t care I have to worry about my health.

I am sorry if I repeated myself in this blog and don’t mean to but I have so many thing going through my head and I have no idea where to go with it. I want to talk about it but then I don’t because if I don’t it isn’t real and if I do it will be …….

I go for a job interview at AT&T on the 22nd and I pray that I get it because I think that getting out and doing something that I don’t have to be on my feet all the time will be helpful for me. Oh I forgot to tell you all that my ankles are separating themselves from my feet by the tendons and ligaments are tearing so I have to do therapy for that and so standing is not in the near future for long periods of time and repeatedly.

I can’t wait to get back to church and allow the closeness of the church family help me deal/fight this but right now I can’t drive and John works on Sunday so there we go.

I have asked myself am I scared to die. The answer is yes I am I have done things so wrong the past few years that I am unsure of myself. I want those years back and I will never have them so I have to look forward and chug alone. I really want to feel closer to God, I want more time with my family, I want our families to pull there head out of their asses and be a family instead of backstabbers, talking behind your back, and only being there when it comes a holiday and in John’s family case not even then. We only see them at funerals it seems like.

I miss not having children of my own but again I can’t dwell on that no matter how hard it is not too. I miss my daycares and the children but again that has to be placed in the lawyer’s hands and I need to move on.

Wow this has really gotten to be a lot longer then what I intended. So I am going to get off here and start looking forward to the future and stop looking back.

Hi

Well, I am trying to get things ready so when I have my surgery I won't have a whole lot to look at that is out of place in my house. The dreaded deed is Wednesday so please if you are reading this pray for me that we will be able to keep our right ovary and uterus. Wow I say we like I have a mouse in my pocket. John and I have talked about it and we are going to try and have a baby in about 18 months so that is where I get the we because without those two items we will not have a chance. I will be 41 and he will be 61 but he is okay with that.

I have talked to Sara and I have put some rules down and I hope that it works out. I know she has potential she just needs to get her head on straight. She is going to be 8 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

Been a while

I haven't been on here for a while so I thought I would put some of my feelings and findings down.

I have not felt good for a while and I actually hurt on my left side. I went to the hospital about a month ago with "food poisoning" that didn't go away. So I thought well maybe it is my hernia that has busted so in for a CAT scan. Not that but they found a baseball size hernia. So I went to the gyn and was told that all test lead to I have to have my left ovary out. She wanted to take out my right and uterus as well but if it isn't broke leave it. I tried to be brave when I told her this but inside I was wrenching at the gut because I am not ready for medicane to tell me that I have no possible chance to have a family of my own. I know in my heart I properly won't but that is between me and GOD and I want to keep it that way for awhile.

I got my blood test results in today and they came back good so unless something shows up in surgery they should be able to take just the left one. I pray daily that this is the case and remains the case.

On top of this of all times for me to make a decision to get rid of people that brings me down in life after Sara made a decision that I couldn't deal with by leaving her husband for the guy she had an affair with which happens to be the same guy that is the father to the girl that lied on me to make me close my daycares I cut my ties. I miss talking to her but I have always had problem of picking people that was "needy" as my mom says. I know Sara has problems and lying is one of hers as well and I couldn't take or try and fix it any more so I walked away. I thought it was going to be really tough it has its times but I know it is best for me.

I have not felt well enough to go to church for a while but after reading about Amy on Perri's website I feel ashamed because I am letting this get me down. I pray every day that I can be as strong as these women some day.


AMY YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS

Catch up

Wow, that seems to be all I have been doing here lately is playing catch up. It has been a eventful week if I say so myself. I can say that God played a few trusting issues on me that I think I handled very well. Last Sunday March 9, 2008 Sara's uncle JC passed away. Let me tell you there is a lot hostility (not sure it that is the right word or not)in that family. I realize that JC and his wife were being treated badly before they were brought down here. No it wasn't right, Yes something does need to be done about it, BUT there is a time and a place and before something can be done with the body we need to get this done before moving on. Some wanted him shown, some didn't, some wanted a memorial, some didn't. Wow I guess with 10 of the 13 kids living this would be interesting. But the thing I believe that everyone forgot including the funeral home. JUDY has guardianship NOT anyone else. Guardianship overrides a Power of Attorney in at least Indiana. They won't take it so this poor man that has went through abuse from his step-son that beat him and took all his money, is still not in peace in my opinion because he is still not buried, cremated or anything. He is in a cold, dark freezer at the funeral home.

There was a mutual friend of mine and Sara's that showed up at the funeral home he is sweet as can be but to put it nicely he is a male whore. Sara has had a more recent relationship with him then I have but he says all the right things, makes all the right moves it is almost like he knows what you are not getting at home so he wants to fill in the blanks. Sara has went through HELL and back with this man he was told not to call, not to come around, not to, not to, not to. You get the point LEAVE US ALONE he can't be faithful, truthful, or any of those words that you should have during a relationship. I know one extra relationship that he was having on his first wife that he told the first girlfriend that he had another girl friend in Kentucky. OMG what was he thinking. All of his kids (maybe with the exception of one)are just like him they have one or all of his traits, liar, moody, hurtful, bi-polar, fly off the handle and hit or throw things, shall I go on? Any who I hope that no one is hurt in this next rondafu (again spelling) he is trying to express. He went as far as to tell Sara that his ex girlfriend (ex my ass) was at his house all day on Thursday and he didn't say a word to her but she came up to talk and she just wouldn't leave. She weighs the same as feather pick her up and put her out, or call the police and tell them that some ding bat is in your house if you really don't want her there but other then that SHUT UP! I have told Sara that if she gets back in a relationship with him I WILL NOT be around, I know too much about his past to even sit back and watch this happen to her and I know it will he doesn't not know the meaning of his wedding vows. I can excuse one time ( I think) if the person is truthful but damn the whole married life come on. If you think you are going to change this you are so mistaken. Okay I have to move on I am getting pissed because I know the things he says and tells when he get caught he reminds me of a kid that when they get caught makes up lies after lies.

Now to me, I have been trying to take my medication every other day because of expenses, if John knew the financial state in this house he would flip and properly leave. I can't seem to win for losing. I can remember a time that all I prayed for was a baby something to hold and call my own. I still do at times but in times like this I am glad I don't because I have enough going on I don't know where to start. I went to the doctor this week and told her about my joints hurting badly if I stand up it is my lower back down my left leg, same if I am setting the worse time is getting up from bed OMG my feet hurt so bad I can't hardly stand on the darn things So I was put on yet another medication. I about died laughing when I read the side effects swelling of the ankles (okay didn't have an angle when I went in because of swelling), mood swings (right like I can't do that on my own I have bi-polar people can you not hear or read, it also causes depression again hello sever depression diagnosis, and last but not least anxiety OK now I know that you can't read or are just trying me hello again another diagnosis of severe anxiety. Mind you the depression and anxiety is totally different then the bi-polar so this is three different things. So since my blood work came back showing a few things they didn't' like they are treating me for my thyroid because I am gaining weight, and going to a have no idea on the spelling on this Rumatolgist to see if I have arthritis or fibromaglia (again no idea on spelling)

Still doing my EMT class found out I can volunteer on the fire department first aid portion for one year and then I can apply for my Primary Instructor license. I didn't' do to well on my last test because to be honest I never opened the book except in class, my grandmother was in the hospital, I helped Sara a little, the furnace went out at the house when it was freaking cold and we didn't' have the money to have a repairman come out so we had to look for the problem ourselves. So from Saturday night to Tuesday we had NO heat except a stinking kerosene heater and an electric one.

So this weekend is being dedicated to study and more study. Sucks but it has to be done.

I am praying I get my disability this time because the money would so come in handy and it would help me in making a decision on what I am going to do next for money.

Well better run and get something done or I will never get it done.

Call out to Jesus

I heard a song on the radio today.

It spoke multitudes.

"There is rest of the helpless,rest for the weary,

Love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness,mercy and healing,He'll meet you wherever you are.Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"(Cry out to Jesus - Mac Powell)

Sometimes, I think because we are human, we find it so hard to picture a God who is truly there for us. I think it is hard to see past the day to day, and gaze into the heart of Jesus. Everything around us tells us we have to be better, we have to be prettier, we have to be ... we have to be smarter ... we just have to be more!It isn't any wonder that we can't accept the basic truths that are laid out to us in the Bible. He's made it clear, He does care. He loves us more than we could ever imagine.You take what society has taught us, and not measuring up. Add a broken relationship, a marriage. Add a lost child, or add a seriously trouble childhood to the picture, and now, why is it that we have a hard time believing in God?We can cry out to Jesus. He is the one who cares. He is the one who knows you. He is the one who loved you first, He is the one who never needs a phone call, an e-mail, a smack on the head to get His attention. He's there already waiting. The trick is, take the first step. Cry out to Jesus.Cry out to Jesus,He's already there.

Life and death

I went to Sara's today to say goodbye to JC and I realized something the doctor's and nurse's can say "go ahead and call family it doesn't look good". Why do so many people try to play God? I can't understand they said he was in a coma but when he was told that is brother was in from TN his eyes open and he made a noise. He has a rattle but his blood pressure is great, his pulse and respirations are really not all that bad.

Well, now to my point on this. The way that these medical people are are doing JC is the way they are doing me as well. They play cocktail mixes with drugs to try and find out what is going to make me a different person. I want that becuase I have lost a lot of good relationships and I would love to have them back. I want to be okay with someone just stopping by at the house I am embarrassed to have anyone at my house because I don't have the energy to even run the vacuum on a daily basis as it needs with pets in the house. I have so many things started and can't finish anything. I need to make sure that all my yardsale things are together I want to make enough money to have my by-pass surgery. I pray that nothing else comes up that I feel I have to pay it instead of doing what I want. I have to have $395.00 to get the surgery that is what is not covered by my insurance. Wow did I ever get off my point. LOL

Anyway there is only one person that knows when the time is for any of us, that can help us get better, help us move on in life and the problem is that so many of us forget that. We all need GOD in our lifes. It is hard for me to go to church every week because I just don't have the willpower to get up and do anything. I pray everyday that God sees that my disability goes through so that I can stop worrying so much about money and work on ME and my life. Finances worry me to the point I get ill when I have to face them. I want to do something with my life and I have no idea what it is hopefully some day God will smack me in the back of the head and tell me what route I should be taking. One can only pray I guess.

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed of walking along the shores of different lands.I could tell that You were with me by the footprints in the sand.As I gazed upon the heavens, I saw pages of my life.It was then I realized that You remained there by my side.When the clouds began to gather and the rains came falling down,I looked to only find one set of footprints on the ground.I said, "Lord, why did You leave me in the troubled times of life?I believed that You would always walk beside me day and night." (Then I heard:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand"Dear Lord, will You be with me as I travel through the years?Will You be there in the struggles? Will You wipe away the tears?As my eyes turn toward the ocean and the shores of distant lands,I'm still thinking of the single set of footprints in the sand. (I heard Him say:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand."Will I hear the angels singing, as my life comes to an end.Oh Lord, I long to see You. Will You be there once again?My eyes turn toward the heavens, along the path of foreign lands,Once more, I'm thinking of the set of footprints in the sand. (Jesus said:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.See your name carved on the hollow of My hand.I'm here to carry you to your home.You will see one set of footprints in the sand.
The Song
Footprints in the Sand
by Mark Hargrave

Taking alot of prayers

I went back to church again at the beginning of the year. I have went off and on to the point that it is more off then on. I don't like it but the way things have been that is the way it has to be. I guess God has a mission that my presence is needed at other places at this time.

I was so impressed I thought I was in the right church but the other day I was proven that this was so right. I tried the Pastor's work, then his house with no answer. The first person I thought of was Perri, I have no idea but that lady took a place in my heart from the first time I met her. I know if she is reading I want to say thank you for making me feel comfortable.

After seeing what Sara and her family are going through I have been trying to help as much as I can. Most of their family are out of town, Louisiana, Tennessee, North Carolina, you get the point. JC is the 3 child out of 13 total and he will be the third to pass away if I have the numbers correct. I was privileged enough to actual meet JC before the chemo he had that placed him in the state he is in. We would talk for hours about when he was in the Navy, the bible, facts of life, when he was growing up. He doesn't talk much at all now they have in medication that he is to get (Oxycontin spelling) every hour and something else I can't remember the name Sara and I just know when he gets it. We have noticed that since Kasey and Brad came to the house to pray with him he speaks about going home. He was told last night that his brother Dennis was coming home and of all things he told him I am only going to wait one more day. This was odd because JC has not but words together for days.

Now for the reason they are here. JC and Joann lived in Beloit Il, one of those places that if you step over the middle over in the road you are in Wisconsin (again spelling). Joann's son Mark had stolen everything that were worth anything and sold it, he talked his mom (remember she has alziemers which again I may not have mentioned it yet) to sign checks, used the debit card, received a phone in JC's name you name it. They called him for the holidays and noticed that something was wrong. Now JC and Jo have 8 kids between them It is like I want this before you get that. I don't have time to take care of them. Do you know what happened to? That is what Sara and her mom have listened to for 2 months now. They had no money, their bank accounts were over drawn, they hadn't ate in lord knows when, they were getting ready to get evicted from their home because Mark the good kid wasn't paying the bills. I think what put the icing on the cake is when JC had exrays and we found out he was recovering from fractured bones. In which when JC refused to give Mark anything else Mark used him for a tumble bag.

They are working on filing charges against Mark but you would have no idea what has to be done to prove this crap with adult protective services. Even when you prove that the care giver was not taking them to the doctor, was not giving them meds, not feeding them. Who knows the last time they had a bath because the dirt was CAKED on them. Cats running around and peeing on all their clothing. Jo is at the point that anything she gets ahold of she hides because she is afraid that someone will take it.

I know that this is long but I wanted people to know what has been going on and also to say that love and thanks go to those at Living Hope that were there in our time of need. I know we will be calling upon you again

Heaven's Grocery Store

Heaven's Grocery Store
I was walking down life's highway, a long time ago I saw a sign that read "Heaven's Grocery Store." As I got a little closer, the door came open wide and when I came to myself, I was standing inside.I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere. One handed me a basket and said, "My child, shop with care, everything a Christian needs is in this store".First I got some PATIENCE, and LOVE was in the same row, Further down was UNDERSTANDING, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH, I just couldn't miss the HOLY GHOST, it was all over the place.I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help me run the race, By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed GRACE. I didn't forget SALVATION, for SALVATION, that was free. So I tried to get enough to save both you and me.Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill For I thought I had everything to do my Master's will. As I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER and just had to put that in For I knew when I stepped outside, I would run right into sin.PEACE and JOY were plentiful, they were on the last shelf SONGS and PRAYERS were hanging near, so I just helped myself.
Then I saw the angel and asked, "How much do I owe?" She just smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I smiled at her and said, "How much, now do I really owe?"
She smiled and said, "My child, Jesus paid your bill a long time ago."