Wish I was better at this!!!!

I always seem to forget about my blog it seems that either I can't remember how to log in, or what to write.

There has been a lot of change since Feb (last post):
1. Quit my job in July because of being moved to a different department did not want to go and there was plenty that did. I didn't understand what I was doing asked for help and was told to figure it out. Not good when you have a customer on the phone cussing you. My blood pressure was out of the world when I walked out that day. The hours were awful days off was awful so I had to do what I had to do for health.
2. Started my own business and need to really push to get this going the right way. Have a few ideas to branch out on this endeavor.
3. Had my gastric bypass surgery on Aug 24th and feel great. I have lost to date 80 lbs and have 100 more to go to be at my goal.
4. We took our vacation cruise in Nov and it was awesome.
5. Got a new puppy for Christmas that is the light of my life.

I promise I will try to write more on a daily basis as I am hoping to start doing my New Years Resolution and putting in writing so I can check off what I have accomplished.

How the time fly's

I haven't actually blogged since August it doesn't seem that long ago but gee I guess it has been. There has been a lot going on around here the past few monts. Like I told you before I started work at AT&T in June 08 and I love the work. Not crazy about everyone I work with but I guess that will never happen. It is bad when you have a boss that lies to make another co-worker happy. I just have come to the conclusion to ignore them all.
I still haven't had my lap-band put in place since I went off all my meds the place I was going too isn't going to do anything unless I decide to go back to a therapist. Sounds kind of costly to me but I will play the game I have an appointment with one this Wednesday and I think I am going to have him re-evaluate me for this crap I was diagnosed with. I honestly think I was just severly depressed and I don't think it has anything to do with bi-polar at all.
I did have another cancer check in between when I have wrote and now and it was good. In fact the numbers have even went down more.
I am looking at a new embroidery machine that will do back embroidery as well as the smaller ones. I still want to get my business off the ground and I have to work towards that. I also want to start pushing our vinyl decals so that is on the list to do this year.
I am having a yard sale in July and it is going to be HUGE guarantee you. I am so tired of al this crap being around my house and it is going, going, gone one way or the other.

Life

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and you know there are a lot of things you miss in life. I will be 40 years old next Sunday and that just doesn't seem right to me at all.
1. I miss not having children of my own. There are times that I am kind of glad we don't because I wouldn't want to feel I am not giving them all they deserve but there are other times I just think "you know we didn't have everything on a silver platter so why do I feel I have to give it to my children that way"
2. I have seen so many obits lately that says no survivors. This scares me it seems so cold and lonely. What will happen to me when that time comes and I don't have any. Who will even care?
3. I miss my husband being my husband. We seem to have grown so far apart the past few years and I have no clue how to get that back
4. I miss my friends. My true friends. Then I stop and think did I ever have any? If I did what made them my true friends?
Well I guess that is enough depressing things for tonight I am sure if I think about it I can add to this but I think I am going to go to bed instead.

Could it be a sign????

I have started my new job and have been at for about 2 months now. I love it. I have been sick for the past two days and had every intention of getting up going to church this morning, but that is kind of hard to do when you wake up at 12. So I went to Newburgh and got my nails done, went to eat at the Chinese place next door and I thought I regonized the people leaving as I was sitting there but there was a glare on their faces when I looked at them from the sun. Well, when I went outside I noticed something laying on the ground. Anybody that knows me knows I don't like picking up strange things off the ground because it is just well nicely GROSS. People leave some nasty things in "traps" for others to pick up. Anyway, I picked this paper up and found it was a check that had been dropped and I about fainted when I seen the church that I love but have not been attending (another story in itself) but wanting to (just need that extra kick in the door kind of thing) So I didnt have to think once I made a few phone calls to some numbers I keep in my phone because I feel in my heart that even though I am not there every day if I needed these people I could call them. I left messages and so forth and did get ahold of someone that I could leave it with so I took it to the families home. After leaving I had to stop and think was that a sign? Was I suppose to find that as an eye opener?

In a way I feel guilty to walk in church because no matter how much I am trying to forgive a certain person that tore my life apart in 06 I can't seem to do this and I read the Bible and I believe that forgiving is what God wants me to do but I feel like a failure because I just can't do it. I feel great in my faith in all other directions because God has brought so much to my family just this year after I believe I turned A LOT over to him but I just can't cut that one thing loose yet. John's family is attempting to be a family we have a long road but we didn't take a short cut to grow distant and the lord knows my husband can hold a grudge. I know he loves his family in his way but he has such a trust issue for some reason and feels he has to keep a brick wall up. I have found a job and so we can make all our bills and have a great chance of keeping our house as before there was no way we were just going deeper and deeper in debt on just one income. I was given a huge eye opener when I received that phone call to say I had cancer but I was given another huge double eye opener when I knew that the prayers were out there for me to recover and to find out 2 weeks later that even though they had to take my left ovary I was completely clean of cancer. We would never have overcome these examples and other things in our lives without God and I know this but I just can't get over this one thing. It is cutting at me badly. So that is my day in a nutshell how was yours?

I will SURVIVE!!!

Well, I think I can write this today and not cry. As most of you know I had to have my left ovary and tube taken out on April 30th. They left my right ovary and uterus because I am not ready to be on hormone treatments quite yet. St. Mary’s pathologist couldn’t figure out what they were dealing with so they sent the ovary off to the Mayo clinic. My doctor called we are dealing with granulosa cell tumor. It really ticks myself and family off because after the surgery the Doctor said everything looked great and she believed NO cancer to be called almost 2 weeks later and be told this. There is a great chance that they have all of it out now but we are going to do the precaution test to make sure and we are going to pray that they do.

As of right now we are not talking chemo or radiation. I have to go in for an endometrial biopsy of my uterus on the 19th. Should be all kinds of fun I will be awake for this beautiful procedure. I also will have to have blood work done every three months and knowing how much I like needles this should be a piece of cake. NOT but you know I have to do it so I will. They will take a catheter and take a piece of my uterus for biopsy and that will be the deciding point of if I have to have further surgery. I do know that if I have to have further surgery I will have to go to Indy for this. Am I scared I can sit her and type all day that I am not but I would be lying to you the only thing I have to say is that I will be strong. If anyone knows my husband you know he can be awkward at times and this is one of those times. He caught me crying yesterday and the first thing he said was you are not going to make it through this if you have a negative outlook so you need to figure out a way to be positive.

I was told that this cancer is caused by hyper estrogen, which is helped alone with stress. We all know I have had none of that the past 2 years. LOL. It also causes obesity and yep I have that. I have been saying for years that it can’t be my eating habits because even though I do crave sweets at certain times I really don’t eat that much. So anyway here we go. So I guess they are going to try and do something about it finally instead of always telling me it is what you eat. TOLD YOU SO!!! Is all I have to say about that! Gotta keep it light in my head and look at the good points otherwise my mother is going to drive me nuts. I had said I wasn’t going to get nervous about this because that big C word scares me enough without any help. John has always said that if you dwell on it you won’t make it through so that is what I am in the process of doing is not dwell on it. My mom unfortunately is not making that an easy task yesterday after I told her I think she called everyone except maybe the president of the United States and she properly tried him but he wouldn’t answer. I love my mom but she dwells on things TOOOOOOOOOOO much and forever plus takes everything to heart. Gotta love her but it doesn’t help me move forward. That poor woman called me every 15 minutes last night with questions, doctor referrals, you name it.

Anyway I am not sure what the survival rate is with this but what I am getting from reading is that it is very good. I can tell you what my survival rate is going to be and that is GREAT!!! I will not let this get me down, I will lose the weight (has to be done to make a success in this), I will succeed and be a SURVIVOR!

I go on the 19th of this month I believe she called it an endometrial biopsy (not sure of spelling). I really was in such shock yesterday I couldn’t even think of what to ask. So when I know more I will tell you more.

I do ask that you take a day stop accusing people of things that you are afraid of getting caught saying, doing, or so forth. I have been a butt of a lot of people’s excuses and I am personally sick of it and I will not withstand it anymore. If you tell me something and you don’t want me to tell it then I won’t BUT if you don’t tell me not to tell it then if it comes up in conversation so be it. But if you do tell me and I say something to someone else don’t be a coward and say you didn’t say anything. I am not going to take it anymore. You know who you are when I say this so take this as your warning because if anything else comes forth I will confront you personally.

I have too many illnesses that are related to stress and I am not going to live with the stress anymore and if it steps on your toes then I guess you better not lie on me because I don’t care I have to worry about my health.

I am sorry if I repeated myself in this blog and don’t mean to but I have so many thing going through my head and I have no idea where to go with it. I want to talk about it but then I don’t because if I don’t it isn’t real and if I do it will be …….

I go for a job interview at AT&T on the 22nd and I pray that I get it because I think that getting out and doing something that I don’t have to be on my feet all the time will be helpful for me. Oh I forgot to tell you all that my ankles are separating themselves from my feet by the tendons and ligaments are tearing so I have to do therapy for that and so standing is not in the near future for long periods of time and repeatedly.

I can’t wait to get back to church and allow the closeness of the church family help me deal/fight this but right now I can’t drive and John works on Sunday so there we go.

I have asked myself am I scared to die. The answer is yes I am I have done things so wrong the past few years that I am unsure of myself. I want those years back and I will never have them so I have to look forward and chug alone. I really want to feel closer to God, I want more time with my family, I want our families to pull there head out of their asses and be a family instead of backstabbers, talking behind your back, and only being there when it comes a holiday and in John’s family case not even then. We only see them at funerals it seems like.

I miss not having children of my own but again I can’t dwell on that no matter how hard it is not too. I miss my daycares and the children but again that has to be placed in the lawyer’s hands and I need to move on.

Wow this has really gotten to be a lot longer then what I intended. So I am going to get off here and start looking forward to the future and stop looking back.

Hi

Well, I am trying to get things ready so when I have my surgery I won't have a whole lot to look at that is out of place in my house. The dreaded deed is Wednesday so please if you are reading this pray for me that we will be able to keep our right ovary and uterus. Wow I say we like I have a mouse in my pocket. John and I have talked about it and we are going to try and have a baby in about 18 months so that is where I get the we because without those two items we will not have a chance. I will be 41 and he will be 61 but he is okay with that.

I have talked to Sara and I have put some rules down and I hope that it works out. I know she has potential she just needs to get her head on straight. She is going to be 8 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

Been a while

I haven't been on here for a while so I thought I would put some of my feelings and findings down.

I have not felt good for a while and I actually hurt on my left side. I went to the hospital about a month ago with "food poisoning" that didn't go away. So I thought well maybe it is my hernia that has busted so in for a CAT scan. Not that but they found a baseball size hernia. So I went to the gyn and was told that all test lead to I have to have my left ovary out. She wanted to take out my right and uterus as well but if it isn't broke leave it. I tried to be brave when I told her this but inside I was wrenching at the gut because I am not ready for medicane to tell me that I have no possible chance to have a family of my own. I know in my heart I properly won't but that is between me and GOD and I want to keep it that way for awhile.

I got my blood test results in today and they came back good so unless something shows up in surgery they should be able to take just the left one. I pray daily that this is the case and remains the case.

On top of this of all times for me to make a decision to get rid of people that brings me down in life after Sara made a decision that I couldn't deal with by leaving her husband for the guy she had an affair with which happens to be the same guy that is the father to the girl that lied on me to make me close my daycares I cut my ties. I miss talking to her but I have always had problem of picking people that was "needy" as my mom says. I know Sara has problems and lying is one of hers as well and I couldn't take or try and fix it any more so I walked away. I thought it was going to be really tough it has its times but I know it is best for me.

I have not felt well enough to go to church for a while but after reading about Amy on Perri's website I feel ashamed because I am letting this get me down. I pray every day that I can be as strong as these women some day.


AMY YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS