I will SURVIVE!!!

Well, I think I can write this today and not cry. As most of you know I had to have my left ovary and tube taken out on April 30th. They left my right ovary and uterus because I am not ready to be on hormone treatments quite yet. St. Mary’s pathologist couldn’t figure out what they were dealing with so they sent the ovary off to the Mayo clinic. My doctor called we are dealing with granulosa cell tumor. It really ticks myself and family off because after the surgery the Doctor said everything looked great and she believed NO cancer to be called almost 2 weeks later and be told this. There is a great chance that they have all of it out now but we are going to do the precaution test to make sure and we are going to pray that they do.

As of right now we are not talking chemo or radiation. I have to go in for an endometrial biopsy of my uterus on the 19th. Should be all kinds of fun I will be awake for this beautiful procedure. I also will have to have blood work done every three months and knowing how much I like needles this should be a piece of cake. NOT but you know I have to do it so I will. They will take a catheter and take a piece of my uterus for biopsy and that will be the deciding point of if I have to have further surgery. I do know that if I have to have further surgery I will have to go to Indy for this. Am I scared I can sit her and type all day that I am not but I would be lying to you the only thing I have to say is that I will be strong. If anyone knows my husband you know he can be awkward at times and this is one of those times. He caught me crying yesterday and the first thing he said was you are not going to make it through this if you have a negative outlook so you need to figure out a way to be positive.

I was told that this cancer is caused by hyper estrogen, which is helped alone with stress. We all know I have had none of that the past 2 years. LOL. It also causes obesity and yep I have that. I have been saying for years that it can’t be my eating habits because even though I do crave sweets at certain times I really don’t eat that much. So anyway here we go. So I guess they are going to try and do something about it finally instead of always telling me it is what you eat. TOLD YOU SO!!! Is all I have to say about that! Gotta keep it light in my head and look at the good points otherwise my mother is going to drive me nuts. I had said I wasn’t going to get nervous about this because that big C word scares me enough without any help. John has always said that if you dwell on it you won’t make it through so that is what I am in the process of doing is not dwell on it. My mom unfortunately is not making that an easy task yesterday after I told her I think she called everyone except maybe the president of the United States and she properly tried him but he wouldn’t answer. I love my mom but she dwells on things TOOOOOOOOOOO much and forever plus takes everything to heart. Gotta love her but it doesn’t help me move forward. That poor woman called me every 15 minutes last night with questions, doctor referrals, you name it.

Anyway I am not sure what the survival rate is with this but what I am getting from reading is that it is very good. I can tell you what my survival rate is going to be and that is GREAT!!! I will not let this get me down, I will lose the weight (has to be done to make a success in this), I will succeed and be a SURVIVOR!

I go on the 19th of this month I believe she called it an endometrial biopsy (not sure of spelling). I really was in such shock yesterday I couldn’t even think of what to ask. So when I know more I will tell you more.

I do ask that you take a day stop accusing people of things that you are afraid of getting caught saying, doing, or so forth. I have been a butt of a lot of people’s excuses and I am personally sick of it and I will not withstand it anymore. If you tell me something and you don’t want me to tell it then I won’t BUT if you don’t tell me not to tell it then if it comes up in conversation so be it. But if you do tell me and I say something to someone else don’t be a coward and say you didn’t say anything. I am not going to take it anymore. You know who you are when I say this so take this as your warning because if anything else comes forth I will confront you personally.

I have too many illnesses that are related to stress and I am not going to live with the stress anymore and if it steps on your toes then I guess you better not lie on me because I don’t care I have to worry about my health.

I am sorry if I repeated myself in this blog and don’t mean to but I have so many thing going through my head and I have no idea where to go with it. I want to talk about it but then I don’t because if I don’t it isn’t real and if I do it will be …….

I go for a job interview at AT&T on the 22nd and I pray that I get it because I think that getting out and doing something that I don’t have to be on my feet all the time will be helpful for me. Oh I forgot to tell you all that my ankles are separating themselves from my feet by the tendons and ligaments are tearing so I have to do therapy for that and so standing is not in the near future for long periods of time and repeatedly.

I can’t wait to get back to church and allow the closeness of the church family help me deal/fight this but right now I can’t drive and John works on Sunday so there we go.

I have asked myself am I scared to die. The answer is yes I am I have done things so wrong the past few years that I am unsure of myself. I want those years back and I will never have them so I have to look forward and chug alone. I really want to feel closer to God, I want more time with my family, I want our families to pull there head out of their asses and be a family instead of backstabbers, talking behind your back, and only being there when it comes a holiday and in John’s family case not even then. We only see them at funerals it seems like.

I miss not having children of my own but again I can’t dwell on that no matter how hard it is not too. I miss my daycares and the children but again that has to be placed in the lawyer’s hands and I need to move on.

Wow this has really gotten to be a lot longer then what I intended. So I am going to get off here and start looking forward to the future and stop looking back.