Been a while

I haven't been on here for a while so I thought I would put some of my feelings and findings down.

I have not felt good for a while and I actually hurt on my left side. I went to the hospital about a month ago with "food poisoning" that didn't go away. So I thought well maybe it is my hernia that has busted so in for a CAT scan. Not that but they found a baseball size hernia. So I went to the gyn and was told that all test lead to I have to have my left ovary out. She wanted to take out my right and uterus as well but if it isn't broke leave it. I tried to be brave when I told her this but inside I was wrenching at the gut because I am not ready for medicane to tell me that I have no possible chance to have a family of my own. I know in my heart I properly won't but that is between me and GOD and I want to keep it that way for awhile.

I got my blood test results in today and they came back good so unless something shows up in surgery they should be able to take just the left one. I pray daily that this is the case and remains the case.

On top of this of all times for me to make a decision to get rid of people that brings me down in life after Sara made a decision that I couldn't deal with by leaving her husband for the guy she had an affair with which happens to be the same guy that is the father to the girl that lied on me to make me close my daycares I cut my ties. I miss talking to her but I have always had problem of picking people that was "needy" as my mom says. I know Sara has problems and lying is one of hers as well and I couldn't take or try and fix it any more so I walked away. I thought it was going to be really tough it has its times but I know it is best for me.

I have not felt well enough to go to church for a while but after reading about Amy on Perri's website I feel ashamed because I am letting this get me down. I pray every day that I can be as strong as these women some day.


AMY YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS

Catch up

Wow, that seems to be all I have been doing here lately is playing catch up. It has been a eventful week if I say so myself. I can say that God played a few trusting issues on me that I think I handled very well. Last Sunday March 9, 2008 Sara's uncle JC passed away. Let me tell you there is a lot hostility (not sure it that is the right word or not)in that family. I realize that JC and his wife were being treated badly before they were brought down here. No it wasn't right, Yes something does need to be done about it, BUT there is a time and a place and before something can be done with the body we need to get this done before moving on. Some wanted him shown, some didn't, some wanted a memorial, some didn't. Wow I guess with 10 of the 13 kids living this would be interesting. But the thing I believe that everyone forgot including the funeral home. JUDY has guardianship NOT anyone else. Guardianship overrides a Power of Attorney in at least Indiana. They won't take it so this poor man that has went through abuse from his step-son that beat him and took all his money, is still not in peace in my opinion because he is still not buried, cremated or anything. He is in a cold, dark freezer at the funeral home.

There was a mutual friend of mine and Sara's that showed up at the funeral home he is sweet as can be but to put it nicely he is a male whore. Sara has had a more recent relationship with him then I have but he says all the right things, makes all the right moves it is almost like he knows what you are not getting at home so he wants to fill in the blanks. Sara has went through HELL and back with this man he was told not to call, not to come around, not to, not to, not to. You get the point LEAVE US ALONE he can't be faithful, truthful, or any of those words that you should have during a relationship. I know one extra relationship that he was having on his first wife that he told the first girlfriend that he had another girl friend in Kentucky. OMG what was he thinking. All of his kids (maybe with the exception of one)are just like him they have one or all of his traits, liar, moody, hurtful, bi-polar, fly off the handle and hit or throw things, shall I go on? Any who I hope that no one is hurt in this next rondafu (again spelling) he is trying to express. He went as far as to tell Sara that his ex girlfriend (ex my ass) was at his house all day on Thursday and he didn't say a word to her but she came up to talk and she just wouldn't leave. She weighs the same as feather pick her up and put her out, or call the police and tell them that some ding bat is in your house if you really don't want her there but other then that SHUT UP! I have told Sara that if she gets back in a relationship with him I WILL NOT be around, I know too much about his past to even sit back and watch this happen to her and I know it will he doesn't not know the meaning of his wedding vows. I can excuse one time ( I think) if the person is truthful but damn the whole married life come on. If you think you are going to change this you are so mistaken. Okay I have to move on I am getting pissed because I know the things he says and tells when he get caught he reminds me of a kid that when they get caught makes up lies after lies.

Now to me, I have been trying to take my medication every other day because of expenses, if John knew the financial state in this house he would flip and properly leave. I can't seem to win for losing. I can remember a time that all I prayed for was a baby something to hold and call my own. I still do at times but in times like this I am glad I don't because I have enough going on I don't know where to start. I went to the doctor this week and told her about my joints hurting badly if I stand up it is my lower back down my left leg, same if I am setting the worse time is getting up from bed OMG my feet hurt so bad I can't hardly stand on the darn things So I was put on yet another medication. I about died laughing when I read the side effects swelling of the ankles (okay didn't have an angle when I went in because of swelling), mood swings (right like I can't do that on my own I have bi-polar people can you not hear or read, it also causes depression again hello sever depression diagnosis, and last but not least anxiety OK now I know that you can't read or are just trying me hello again another diagnosis of severe anxiety. Mind you the depression and anxiety is totally different then the bi-polar so this is three different things. So since my blood work came back showing a few things they didn't' like they are treating me for my thyroid because I am gaining weight, and going to a have no idea on the spelling on this Rumatolgist to see if I have arthritis or fibromaglia (again no idea on spelling)

Still doing my EMT class found out I can volunteer on the fire department first aid portion for one year and then I can apply for my Primary Instructor license. I didn't' do to well on my last test because to be honest I never opened the book except in class, my grandmother was in the hospital, I helped Sara a little, the furnace went out at the house when it was freaking cold and we didn't' have the money to have a repairman come out so we had to look for the problem ourselves. So from Saturday night to Tuesday we had NO heat except a stinking kerosene heater and an electric one.

So this weekend is being dedicated to study and more study. Sucks but it has to be done.

I am praying I get my disability this time because the money would so come in handy and it would help me in making a decision on what I am going to do next for money.

Well better run and get something done or I will never get it done.

Call out to Jesus

I heard a song on the radio today.

It spoke multitudes.

"There is rest of the helpless,rest for the weary,

Love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness,mercy and healing,He'll meet you wherever you are.Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"(Cry out to Jesus - Mac Powell)

Sometimes, I think because we are human, we find it so hard to picture a God who is truly there for us. I think it is hard to see past the day to day, and gaze into the heart of Jesus. Everything around us tells us we have to be better, we have to be prettier, we have to be ... we have to be smarter ... we just have to be more!It isn't any wonder that we can't accept the basic truths that are laid out to us in the Bible. He's made it clear, He does care. He loves us more than we could ever imagine.You take what society has taught us, and not measuring up. Add a broken relationship, a marriage. Add a lost child, or add a seriously trouble childhood to the picture, and now, why is it that we have a hard time believing in God?We can cry out to Jesus. He is the one who cares. He is the one who knows you. He is the one who loved you first, He is the one who never needs a phone call, an e-mail, a smack on the head to get His attention. He's there already waiting. The trick is, take the first step. Cry out to Jesus.Cry out to Jesus,He's already there.

Life and death

I went to Sara's today to say goodbye to JC and I realized something the doctor's and nurse's can say "go ahead and call family it doesn't look good". Why do so many people try to play God? I can't understand they said he was in a coma but when he was told that is brother was in from TN his eyes open and he made a noise. He has a rattle but his blood pressure is great, his pulse and respirations are really not all that bad.

Well, now to my point on this. The way that these medical people are are doing JC is the way they are doing me as well. They play cocktail mixes with drugs to try and find out what is going to make me a different person. I want that becuase I have lost a lot of good relationships and I would love to have them back. I want to be okay with someone just stopping by at the house I am embarrassed to have anyone at my house because I don't have the energy to even run the vacuum on a daily basis as it needs with pets in the house. I have so many things started and can't finish anything. I need to make sure that all my yardsale things are together I want to make enough money to have my by-pass surgery. I pray that nothing else comes up that I feel I have to pay it instead of doing what I want. I have to have $395.00 to get the surgery that is what is not covered by my insurance. Wow did I ever get off my point. LOL

Anyway there is only one person that knows when the time is for any of us, that can help us get better, help us move on in life and the problem is that so many of us forget that. We all need GOD in our lifes. It is hard for me to go to church every week because I just don't have the willpower to get up and do anything. I pray everyday that God sees that my disability goes through so that I can stop worrying so much about money and work on ME and my life. Finances worry me to the point I get ill when I have to face them. I want to do something with my life and I have no idea what it is hopefully some day God will smack me in the back of the head and tell me what route I should be taking. One can only pray I guess.

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed of walking along the shores of different lands.I could tell that You were with me by the footprints in the sand.As I gazed upon the heavens, I saw pages of my life.It was then I realized that You remained there by my side.When the clouds began to gather and the rains came falling down,I looked to only find one set of footprints on the ground.I said, "Lord, why did You leave me in the troubled times of life?I believed that You would always walk beside me day and night." (Then I heard:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand"Dear Lord, will You be with me as I travel through the years?Will You be there in the struggles? Will You wipe away the tears?As my eyes turn toward the ocean and the shores of distant lands,I'm still thinking of the single set of footprints in the sand. (I heard Him say:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand."Will I hear the angels singing, as my life comes to an end.Oh Lord, I long to see You. Will You be there once again?My eyes turn toward the heavens, along the path of foreign lands,Once more, I'm thinking of the set of footprints in the sand. (Jesus said:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.See your name carved on the hollow of My hand.I'm here to carry you to your home.You will see one set of footprints in the sand.
The Song
Footprints in the Sand
by Mark Hargrave

Taking alot of prayers

I went back to church again at the beginning of the year. I have went off and on to the point that it is more off then on. I don't like it but the way things have been that is the way it has to be. I guess God has a mission that my presence is needed at other places at this time.

I was so impressed I thought I was in the right church but the other day I was proven that this was so right. I tried the Pastor's work, then his house with no answer. The first person I thought of was Perri, I have no idea but that lady took a place in my heart from the first time I met her. I know if she is reading I want to say thank you for making me feel comfortable.

After seeing what Sara and her family are going through I have been trying to help as much as I can. Most of their family are out of town, Louisiana, Tennessee, North Carolina, you get the point. JC is the 3 child out of 13 total and he will be the third to pass away if I have the numbers correct. I was privileged enough to actual meet JC before the chemo he had that placed him in the state he is in. We would talk for hours about when he was in the Navy, the bible, facts of life, when he was growing up. He doesn't talk much at all now they have in medication that he is to get (Oxycontin spelling) every hour and something else I can't remember the name Sara and I just know when he gets it. We have noticed that since Kasey and Brad came to the house to pray with him he speaks about going home. He was told last night that his brother Dennis was coming home and of all things he told him I am only going to wait one more day. This was odd because JC has not but words together for days.

Now for the reason they are here. JC and Joann lived in Beloit Il, one of those places that if you step over the middle over in the road you are in Wisconsin (again spelling). Joann's son Mark had stolen everything that were worth anything and sold it, he talked his mom (remember she has alziemers which again I may not have mentioned it yet) to sign checks, used the debit card, received a phone in JC's name you name it. They called him for the holidays and noticed that something was wrong. Now JC and Jo have 8 kids between them It is like I want this before you get that. I don't have time to take care of them. Do you know what happened to? That is what Sara and her mom have listened to for 2 months now. They had no money, their bank accounts were over drawn, they hadn't ate in lord knows when, they were getting ready to get evicted from their home because Mark the good kid wasn't paying the bills. I think what put the icing on the cake is when JC had exrays and we found out he was recovering from fractured bones. In which when JC refused to give Mark anything else Mark used him for a tumble bag.

They are working on filing charges against Mark but you would have no idea what has to be done to prove this crap with adult protective services. Even when you prove that the care giver was not taking them to the doctor, was not giving them meds, not feeding them. Who knows the last time they had a bath because the dirt was CAKED on them. Cats running around and peeing on all their clothing. Jo is at the point that anything she gets ahold of she hides because she is afraid that someone will take it.

I know that this is long but I wanted people to know what has been going on and also to say that love and thanks go to those at Living Hope that were there in our time of need. I know we will be calling upon you again

Heaven's Grocery Store

Heaven's Grocery Store
I was walking down life's highway, a long time ago I saw a sign that read "Heaven's Grocery Store." As I got a little closer, the door came open wide and when I came to myself, I was standing inside.I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere. One handed me a basket and said, "My child, shop with care, everything a Christian needs is in this store".First I got some PATIENCE, and LOVE was in the same row, Further down was UNDERSTANDING, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH, I just couldn't miss the HOLY GHOST, it was all over the place.I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help me run the race, By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed GRACE. I didn't forget SALVATION, for SALVATION, that was free. So I tried to get enough to save both you and me.Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill For I thought I had everything to do my Master's will. As I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER and just had to put that in For I knew when I stepped outside, I would run right into sin.PEACE and JOY were plentiful, they were on the last shelf SONGS and PRAYERS were hanging near, so I just helped myself.
Then I saw the angel and asked, "How much do I owe?" She just smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I smiled at her and said, "How much, now do I really owe?"
She smiled and said, "My child, Jesus paid your bill a long time ago."