Life

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and you know there are a lot of things you miss in life. I will be 40 years old next Sunday and that just doesn't seem right to me at all.
1. I miss not having children of my own. There are times that I am kind of glad we don't because I wouldn't want to feel I am not giving them all they deserve but there are other times I just think "you know we didn't have everything on a silver platter so why do I feel I have to give it to my children that way"
2. I have seen so many obits lately that says no survivors. This scares me it seems so cold and lonely. What will happen to me when that time comes and I don't have any. Who will even care?
3. I miss my husband being my husband. We seem to have grown so far apart the past few years and I have no clue how to get that back
4. I miss my friends. My true friends. Then I stop and think did I ever have any? If I did what made them my true friends?
Well I guess that is enough depressing things for tonight I am sure if I think about it I can add to this but I think I am going to go to bed instead.

Could it be a sign????

I have started my new job and have been at for about 2 months now. I love it. I have been sick for the past two days and had every intention of getting up going to church this morning, but that is kind of hard to do when you wake up at 12. So I went to Newburgh and got my nails done, went to eat at the Chinese place next door and I thought I regonized the people leaving as I was sitting there but there was a glare on their faces when I looked at them from the sun. Well, when I went outside I noticed something laying on the ground. Anybody that knows me knows I don't like picking up strange things off the ground because it is just well nicely GROSS. People leave some nasty things in "traps" for others to pick up. Anyway, I picked this paper up and found it was a check that had been dropped and I about fainted when I seen the church that I love but have not been attending (another story in itself) but wanting to (just need that extra kick in the door kind of thing) So I didnt have to think once I made a few phone calls to some numbers I keep in my phone because I feel in my heart that even though I am not there every day if I needed these people I could call them. I left messages and so forth and did get ahold of someone that I could leave it with so I took it to the families home. After leaving I had to stop and think was that a sign? Was I suppose to find that as an eye opener?

In a way I feel guilty to walk in church because no matter how much I am trying to forgive a certain person that tore my life apart in 06 I can't seem to do this and I read the Bible and I believe that forgiving is what God wants me to do but I feel like a failure because I just can't do it. I feel great in my faith in all other directions because God has brought so much to my family just this year after I believe I turned A LOT over to him but I just can't cut that one thing loose yet. John's family is attempting to be a family we have a long road but we didn't take a short cut to grow distant and the lord knows my husband can hold a grudge. I know he loves his family in his way but he has such a trust issue for some reason and feels he has to keep a brick wall up. I have found a job and so we can make all our bills and have a great chance of keeping our house as before there was no way we were just going deeper and deeper in debt on just one income. I was given a huge eye opener when I received that phone call to say I had cancer but I was given another huge double eye opener when I knew that the prayers were out there for me to recover and to find out 2 weeks later that even though they had to take my left ovary I was completely clean of cancer. We would never have overcome these examples and other things in our lives without God and I know this but I just can't get over this one thing. It is cutting at me badly. So that is my day in a nutshell how was yours?